Update #17: We can do this.

Today, we learned that Josephine’s tumor does NOT have the scary mutations we worried could potentially turn it from a Grade 1 tumor into a faster-growing, scarier version. We learned that the radiation team’s read of the progress of necrosis and pathology results have determined Jo’s treatment to date has a 90% chance of being successful WITHOUT additional treatments. We learned that her care team would NOT be recommending further treatment until after another MRI in 10 weeks. This is amazing news. We have not yet fully processed what this means. Josephine will be returning to daycare (“school”) on Monday. I am now back at work. The breath we have been holding since June 6 sits in our chests, ready to exhale. Are we ready to get back to “normal”? What does that look like anyway? We now wait until early November and another MRI to know what is next on this journey.

Today we also learned that a friend from the oncology floor (6A) at Children’s Hospital received news that was the opposite of ours. BrandiLee Schafran and Finn were the first people I met in the hospital the morning after Jo’s diagnosis. Bleary eyed and coffee-holding, I said hi. I remember looking at Finn riding in his red wagon. He was so close in age to Josephine and had his feeding tube, IV poll, and hospital garb. My reaction? “I can’t do this. I don’t have the strength to be the mom of a kid who is sick.” BrandiLee Schafran was amazing. Her hair seemed done, her smile was so warm and welcoming. She started asking questions I couldn’t answer. When she realized how new Josephine’s news was, her arms collapsed into a hug around me. She told me how she remembered those first few hours after diagnosis, then she pulled me back and looked me in the eyes and told me I could do this, as tears welled up in my eyes and I shook my head “I don’t know.” Before the end of that afternoon, Finn had colored Josephine a picture and BrandiLee had dropped off presents and balloons. Before most of you even knew Josephine was sick, they were there, holding us up.

Over the past few months, I have totally become a member of Finn’s Fans. I love how he devours avocados after he awakes from anesthesia. I’ve laughed with nurses and doctors our families’ share about how amazing BrandiLee is and how funny Finn can be. Other oncology moms (like Lisa Wolfe) and I have confessed that BrandiLee’s faith, positivity, and together-ness is an inspiration to the rest of us. Today, we cry and ache that the MRI Finn had this week revealed two new masses in his abdomen. While we await the biopsy results, we fear that this is a relapse: Rhabdomyosarcoma. My joy for Josephine’s news today is completely overshadowed. Everyday, there are 43 new sets of parents that get the shock that Ryan Wrenn and I did on June 6 and hear that their child has something growing inside them that isn’t supposed to be there. Every year, 40,000 children undergo treatment, and not all of them get to have positive conversations after scans. For every 8 conversations like the one we had today, there are 2 like Finn’s. I am at a complete loss. We could talk about what’s “fair” and what’s not, but we all know that’s not what this is about. The kids that are walking these roads are doing so because of factors far beyond our control, for reasons we will never comprehend. We are not big enough, smart enough, or important enough to be granted that. But we are granted this: the ability to use these roads to lead us all to better lives. To be models of service, grace, strength, grit, kindness, and love. To be reminded, every day, how precious the time we have with each other is, and to use that time to make things better.

I don’t know why we got good news and the Finn’s Fans got the news they did. I will never know. But I do know that the service you have all given Ryan, Josephine, Randall, and I the past four months has been a model for me to become a stronger leader and better friend. I know the grace you have provided us has taught me patience and understanding. I know the light of Josephine’s and Finn’s continued months on this planet will inspire people to go into medicine, will inspire those already in the profession to grow and mature, and will inspire other people who wake up and think “I don’t have the strength to do this [insert hard thing, like cancer, or nursing a newborn, or a difficult college quiz, or making dinner with two children after work] today”, that they do. It’s already inside them. You do. That strength is inside you.

Tonight, in addition to your thoughts for us, prop Finn’s family up, as they have done for us. And then, look around. See if there are other folks that need propping, and take a minute to lift them up too. Look in the mirror, and know that I feel your strength behind me, behind Josephine, behind our family. Your light, love, thoughts, and prayers were there when we were knocked down and didn’t think we could do this. And now, we are on our feet and walking forward, arm-in-arm with you all. We CAN do this. Next step, November. #ItsJoTime

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Finn’s Fans 🥑

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Living For Everything